


What A Feeling

by soakyourskin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Chronologically Inconsistent, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Internal Monologue, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 13:05:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4707032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soakyourskin/pseuds/soakyourskin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I want to tell you that I fell for the way you snuck into my bunk so long ago—climbing in with a muffled <em>budge up,</em> <em>Bradford,</em> before offering me one of your earphones, and I'll deny it if you bring it up, but I still memorize every song on Michael Buble's Christmas special—and stayed up with me because you knew that I drank a bit too much coffee that morning.</p>
<p>When you were grumpy the whole day after, during rehearsals—even Lou knew to back off and leave you alone when he saw the look on your face—because you were lacking sleep and the only thing that made you smile was when someone asked why you were.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What A Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Brighter Than Sunshine by Aqualung.

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you snuck into my bunk so long ago—climbing in with a muffled  _budge up,_   _Bradford,_ before offering me one of your earphones, and I'll deny it if you bring it up, but I still memorize every song on Michael Buble's Christmas special—and stayed up with me because you knew that I drank a bit too much coffee that morning.

When you were grumpy the whole day after, during rehearsals—even Lou knew to back off and leave you alone when he saw the look on your face—because you were lacking sleep and the only thing that made you smile was when someone asked why you were.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you kept badgering me with messages, that time I left the show for a week to go home for the funeral.

When I didn't want to think at all, so you didn't let me, and all day you would send random pictures of the lads mucking about when  _we really ought to be practicing, but Lou just won't—_ and at night, when everything was quiet and life felt a bit more still, you'd call to ask how I was— _really though, Z?—_ and I would tell you.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you looked at me after I just went for it and kissed you, that night we tried to re-enact the Bane and Batman fight scene— _I_ am  _the League of, oi stop laughing, you arse, I_ am  _the League of Shadows_ —and I tackled you to the ground.

When your eyes blew wide and you looked so appalled, like you'd already planned out how our first kiss was going to go and I ruined the whole thing by beating you to it, but you cracked a wide smile and kissed me back anyway.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you walked up to my dad—you were sweating like a cow, love, but he said that he liked how you were still so unsure of how he'd react even after all the time you'd spent with the family—with your head held high, and shook his hand as you re-introduced yourself as my boyfriend.

When just the hour before, you were shaking your head on the drive over, hands trembling, so adamant about wanting to head back and  _babe, you've met abbu. He loves you—_ is what made you calm.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you gripped my hand so tight—I swear the marks your nails made on the edge of my palm stayed for days—like a silent  _no,_  loud enough for me to hear, when they started saying her name.

When they said that having her by my side would make me seem and look more  _like_ _the typical boy bander, if you understand what I mean_ , and you snapped back saying how you loved that my skin didn't pale under the moonlight.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you woke me up way too early that one time and I was so cross with you— _honestly, babe, it's six in the morning. I'm not going runnin' with you, alright?_ —until I realized exactly why you did.

When you tugged me out of bed and basically dragged me all the way to the balcony just to stand there, and I gave you such a manic expression, I'm sure, that you looked at me guiltily but with such an earnest smile and— _you said you've never seen a proper sunrise before because you could never wake up early enough, and we're by the beach and I just thought...I thought you'd want to see one with me—_ it was all worth it.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you held me down and fucked me senseless, that night we watched Paranormal Activity— _you said it wasn't that scary, you liar. I'm breaking up with you after this movie's over, Malik, just thought you should know—_ and I first told you I loved you.

When you gripped my hands above my head, rough with your thrusts but lips gentle—always so—on my own, all the while muttering and grunting about how I kept stealing every first, and how you'd find a way to beat me someday.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you fought against them whenever they tried to shove  _this is wrong. You will break. This will break you—_ in our faces.

When you got that tattoo after they made mine out to be something different— _right. This is right. She is what is right for you—_ and I would see you trace over the words you inked as a promise, each time they did.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you've never held a baby before in your life— _it's not exactly like I'm built to handle small, breakable things, am I?—_ but when Caroline handed Brooklyn over, you took her as you sang about twinkling stars.

When you panicked through trying to change her diapers, and Caroline laughed and said, _you'll have loads of practice once you have your own,_ and you looked at me with a small smile as you told her, _yeah_ , like you couldn't wait.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you stumbled, and almost fell flat on your face, when you got down on one knee and asked me.

When you couldn't get the speech you apparently practiced a dozen and more times in front of the mirror, as well as the boys— _I had a whole page written down, babe. You should have seen Lou and Nialler argue 'bout how it was a bit too sappy, and Harry complaining that I didn't include enough of them in it_ —right, and the only words that stuck as you kissed me with tears running down both our faces was _I finally beat you._

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you stepped into the shower, that day they told us I had to pretend to have with her what I do with you— _it's just a ring, Zayn. Perrie has already agreed to it, and we believe that this will be best for those questioning the validity of your relationship with her, as well as the possibility of the existence of one with Liam_ —and the tremors running through my body felt a little less paralyzing when you pulled me close.

When we stood there for God knows how long, and even as my knees buckled, and the freezing water blanketed us and masked the tears running down my face—we don't talk about it, but I felt your embrace get just the little bit tighter when I shook too much for it to just be from the cold—and you held me together with— _I've got you, you know I've got you._

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way your lips bruised me as you whispered your pain and fears into my skin— _all I can see is that damn ring on her finger, and it should be mine on yours, it should be—_ because you knew I would hold them close to my own.

When you kissed the marks you made after, in the middle of the night—it felt like apologies you were trying to carve into my bones—thinking I was asleep, and told me that I made you brave.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you were, with Louis that night when it was just the three of us, smoking up in our hotel room, and he started talking about how— _it's never going to end, is it? I mean, we're free next year, yeah? But look at the bullshit we've got coming to us until then. Look at us, look at what they've—I can't even talk to Haz without them fucking blowing up and shoving women in our faces, like. I can't fucking be with him like this, Li. I can't—_

When he broke down crying, and I was about ready to call Harry over to handle the situation, phone to my ear, but you managed to calm him down with _it's alright, Lou, it's going to be alright, I swear. It's all worth it in the end, yeah? He's worth everything they can think of throwing at us. He's worth every goddamn thing,_ and—you are, Li. You're worth it all.

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you snuck away from me, pretending to have a smoke but calling Dee up instead, when you thought I was busy saying goodbye to the lads, the night before I had to leave.

When I followed you up to the roof and heard you talking to her— _he probably thinks I've already got enough to deal with here, but I'm not even the one that's—just—if he'll talk to anyone about it, it'll be you, yeah? I just need to know how he is without him holding back because he's afraid I won't be able to take it. I really just—thank you, Don. Seriously, thanks, yeah?—_ and when I got back home, the first thing she said after she hugged me was _he's it, chohtu, that boy._

 

I want to tell you that I fell for the way you sounded when you called me up the night after the awards, and that massively, terrifying speech I gave, voice shaky and thick with tears, _don't deny it, I know,_ as you said— _look at the world watching you, Zayn. God, you were so fucking brilliant, I just—look—watch them see you the way I do, and watch them fall in love with every single piece of you._

When we talked for hours after, and you kept asking me about everyone I met that night, sounding way more excited about me meeting Shah Rukh Khan than even I was when I told you, and how— _I hate to say this, babe, but Trisha's got you beat. You may have gotten a bit of a shave, and that little pinball on your nose, but she looked—I may have to switch sides here—_ and I knew, without a doubt, that we'd be alright.


End file.
